Earlier today I sat in our living room recliner as I rocked my sleepy baby. He was almost asleep, and I was in amazement at how precious he is. I also looked over at the couch where his big brother was already asleep, and was again amazed. I had scripture lullabies playing in the background, and it was a peaceful moment in a very loud and normally chaotic house.

My two main noise makers were quiet at the same time, and I was given the gift of staring in amazement at both of them. My mind also went to my other two older children, and I honestly felt like my heart was going to burst with the love I felt for my four children.

My husband and I have been foster parents for over a decade. We have adopted three times, and we are again going through the adoption process. This process is full of ups and downs, uncertainty, and its hard not to have fears.

It seems like every week or two something new is going on in our case. The new information can be encouraging, discouraging, or frustrating. The process always seems to drag on longer than it should. Part of me wants to give into worry and anxiety, but I can’t.

During our last (third) foster/adoption process I had a lot of anxiety. I had a really hard time sharing my son with anyone. I just wanted to spend every second with him. I wanted him to feel secure, and not be scared of anything. Maybe I was trying to make him feel the opposite way I was feeling. The truth is that I felt paralyzed with fear, and I felt like I was holding my breathe the whole time!

After 18 months of court dates, ups and downs, parental visits, court appeals, and etc. he was finally legally adopted! After all that time breathing felt great! Our son must’ve felt some of the fear and anxiety I was, because on his adoption day he woke up happier than we had ever seen him! He was goofing off with everyone at the court house, and giving them high fives!

After his adoption was final I kept saying that I didn’t know if I could handle going through the process again, but that of course I would in a heartbeat if it came up. I think I knew it would, but I also knew it would have to be different.

God spoke to my heart through that really tough process. What I felt He really impressed on my heart was that my worrying did absolutely nothing to change the end result. And that all my worrying actually robbed me of peace, joy, and a better connection with my family. Even if the adoption had failed my worry wouldn’t have been worth it.

As we began this process again months ago I knew I had to choose to be different. God had been speaking encouragement to me since the night this new little one was born, before I even knew about him. I am not saying I haven’t been stressed or frustrated with the process this time, but I can say that I have a peace and a calmness I didn’t have last time. I know that no matter what God is going to give me strength to see this through.

I was reminded of all of this when I woke up this morning, because God gave me a very familiar scripture to encourage me. It was John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Reading that this morning again encouraged me to trust. As things in our little one’s case come up, and part of me may want to give into fear and anxiety, I won’t! I will continue to ask God to give me strength, and peace. And I will continue to ask Him to protect this little one and my family.