I wrote this blog post November 3rd, 2017 during my husband and my separation. We reconciled in 2018, and have continually been working on our marriage. It took me minutes to write, and came from a place of raw emotional pain. I have decided to keep it on here because it is a part of my story.

The last three months have been the hardest three months of my life, or it seems that way. I have been married for the last 14 years to a man whom I trusted with all of my heart. He was my best friend, and I told him my every secret. He always made me feel beautiful, and like I had that one person I could always count on. I felt safe.

Despite all of that my world came crashing down one night in July when he announced to me that he was planning to leave me and our children. I’m not naive enough to think that this all happened in one moment, or that I don’t have responsibility in the break down of our marriage. We had hit a rough spot, and things had been tense. We had a major fight, and I had reacted in a very ugly way, and said very ugly words. That day I immediately felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and I apologized repeatedly.

After that day I have spent a lot of time allowing God to examine my heart, desperately wanting Him to remove the ugliness. He began to do that, and I began to not react to things that I usually did. I asked two close friends to hold me accountable, and really began to seek God. It wasn’t easy, but over that next month I thought the ice between my husband and me had begun to melt.

I remember the shock and terror that washed over me the night that he told me his plans to leave me. I asked him to stay, and I reminded him of the promises we both made each other. However, it didn’t matter. My heart was crushed, and he became set on his decision.

For the next two months I cried non stop, and my children watched more tv than I have ever allowed. I quit eating, and I was physically ill. I couldn’t enjoy normal everyday life, and I was enveloped in despair. Rejection crept in, and I felt like someone who had been emptied and thrown out.

My husband was no longer a friend, and he began to hurt me in any way he could think of. That devastated me. He began blaming me for everything, and the accusations began to get more severe. When he would accuse me I would feel very small, and I would feel worthless. I beat myself up constantly, and I began to believe what he was saying. I wondered if he just no longer found me attractive, smart, or valuable.

However, God hasn’t allowed the light to be kept out! Since the beginning I have been praying harder than I ever have in my whole life. I know that prayer is the answer! James 5:16 says that the prayers of a righteous person has great effectiveness. Some translations say accomplishes much. It has been the lifeline that has kept me from jumping off the ledge! It has taken my anxiety and hopelessness away!

God put people in mind to confide in, and they have been awesome prayer warriors! God has spoken words through them, and when I am feeling depressed, hopeless, alone, or angry one or more of them have called me at the right moment. They have confirmed things with words of knowledge. They have spoken encouragement and comfort. One in particular was used to pray deliverance over me!

God has also spoken to me in other ways. He has spoke through music, the Bible, and of course impressions on my heart. It’s sometimes hard not to listen to other voices that mean well, but should be tuned out.

I am continuing to pray for the impossible. I am praying that my husband will collapse into the arms of the Father! That he will allow God to heal his hurting heart, and completely trust. I want my marriage restored, but most importantly I want my husband to get his faith in God back! It grieves my heart to see that he has walked away.

In the middle of all this I have four children that need their mother more than ever! They’re hurting, and I pray that I am used by God to minister to their little hearts. I am trying to hold my head up for them. Sometimes the tears come, and I really wish I could help that.

I have learned through this that God is, and will continue to take care of me! I am not alone, and I don’t have to allow the enemy to win! I am going to be okay no matter what!